Most people think that their pet is the most unique of anyone else's. I'm no different. My dog Toby was special and unique, and now he's gone. He died one year ago today at 14 years of age. I had to have him euthanized. I haven't been able to write much about him because it was so painful. It's a little easier now.
I had a vet who makes house calls come to my house when I discovered that Toby had great difficulty holding up his hind legs when using the bathroom. I could tell it was so humiliating for him when I had to clean him. I knew when he could no longer function on his own that it was time to have him put to sleep.
My wish was for him to die on his own, but every time I felt he was failing and would die soon, he would rally, start eating, and get stronger. That's how things went for few months. I noticed he was eating less and less and then finally hardly eating anything at all. It amazed me how he could survive on so little. But he was losing weight rapidly. He kept up his daily routine--barking at people passing, dogs being walked, and howling when he heard the sirens from police cars or fire engines.
He also played with his squeaky toys everyday. I was amazed that he would keep to the beat on the music on the radio or he would create his own music. I would say that he was playing his "concertos." He would entertain me everyday, right up to the day of his death. He had one special toy that I called Mr. Beethoven.
You see, Toby was suppose to die years earlier. He had a major stroke when he was 8. I was trying to put on his harness for our weekly trek and he jumped on the bed as I instructed him to. He was so excited and was squirming. As I was trying to snap it into place, he slumped off the bed to the floor. He started convulsing. Then he just laid there and didn't move. He couldn't get up. My neighbor had to carry him to the car for me.
The vet said that if he didn't regain the use of his legs or was not able to use the bathroom, I should probably consider euthanizing him. I couldn't accept that. I took him home (I found the strength to carry him). I laid out lots of comforters on the living room floor and I slept with him the first night, hugging him all night. He would lick me. My kitten Kelley laid with us too. (They had a special bond, but that's a story for another time.) As the days passed, I could feel that Toby would fight to get better. I carried him to the back yard and we all laid down to enjoy the chirping birds and the sunshine. He crawled away from the blanket so he could pee. Late at night, he would crawl to the kitchen to urinate instead of peeing on the blankets or on the carpet. Days later I could tell he was stronger. He was determined to go the front yard, which had two steps. It took him a long time, but he crawled to the top of the steps and slid down. So smart!
The vet was surprised at his progress. He recommended physical therapy at another facility, but I declined, not only because of the cost, but because I knew that Toby could not tolerate long car rides. (He had many fears and riding in a car was one of them. He had been dumped from a car and abandoned when he was 4 months old. Some neighborhood kids brought him to me because they knew I had put my dog Gema to sleep when her cancer had returned. It was evident that Toby had been an abused puppy.)
I devised Toby's therapy to strengthen his legs. He became stronger and his walking improved. The vet commended me. He said, "Whatever you're doing, keep doing it." Toby's gait was never the same and our long walks were now out, but most people could never tell he had had a stroke. He was my hero!
He took such good care of me for 14 years. We went through so much together. He was in tune to my emotions and always knew when I needed to be comforted, especially when my sister Becky died. He was my constant companion. A big hole was left in my heart when Toby died. I miss his companionship and his beautiful concertos.
Even though I got another dog (Desi) a few weeks after Toby died, nothing replaces him. I still miss him, even after a year. There is no timetable to grief. I will always honor his memory. He left me with so many stories to tell!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Felt Validated at Pain Conference
On May 30, I attended the first-ever Women in Pain Conference held at the City of Hope in Duarte, California. This was the first time a conference was held on the subject of pain where both clinicians and women experiencing chronic pain were participating in the same conference.
What kind of chronic pain do I have? It's a long list. I've never written about all my conditions before because i didn't want people to know. That has changed. I have congenital hip dysplasia (dislocation) in my left hip; rotator cuff problems in my right shoulder; recovering from a dislocated left shoulder; ligament damage in my right hand; trochanteric bursitis and ilotibial band syndrome in my right hip; osteoarthritis in my hand, shoulders, back, and hip; and degenerative disk disease along with a bulging disk. Most of these conditions are from an injury I sustained in February 2006. I never dreamed I'd still be dealing with these conditions and with the horrible pain.
I'm actually proud of the way I've handled my pain. I try to lead a somewhat normal life despite the fact that I'm always in pain. The only give-away is that I limp. However, most people do not know when I'm in pain because I cover it up pretty well. I don't want any one's pity.
I've never been one to label myself as disabled, but I suppose I am. I have a handicap placard for use when I park. I only use it when I have to park far or when there's lots of hills or steps that I need to avoid. I don't mind walking when it's flat. For the most part I leave the handicap space for someone else. Besides I don't particularly like the stares I get when I get out of my car when I park in a handicap space. I know they're trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I guess they have it figured out once they see me limp.
Many times I've been made to feel that the pain is in my head because I didn't "look" like I'm in pain. The doctors have yet to prescribe a pain medication for me that won't knock me out or make me feel with I'm "under the influence." I keep telling them that I have to work and don't want to feel impaired when I'm driving. Therefore, I don't take anything hard during the week. But I find myself looking forward to the weekends so I can take Vicodin, which will let me sleep at least and will relieve the pain. It doesn't matter when I wake up. I'm in no rush. All I take during the week is Tylenol, which does not help me.
This is the first time I've been around women who "feel" the pain I do and struggle with a lot of the same issues I do. I learned about organizations where I can go to for support (such as the American Chronic Pain Association and the American Pain Foundation). I learned a lot about the pharmacology and traditional approaches to pain management. The organizer of the conference, Cynthia Toussaint, is a true inspiration. Her organization, For Grace, will help many women.
I feel validated because most the women were made to feel it was all in their heads, just like I was. I also learned that women feel pain differently than men and that clinicians listen to men and treat their pain more effectively than they do women. We're told that it's stress and we're often prescribed antidepressants rather than an effective pain medication. We often leave the doctor's office without a plan.
I've yet to absorb everything I heard at the conference. They gave so many handouts, books, plus all the information in the binder we received. Most of these women suffer (I don't like using this word, but I can't think of a better way to describe it) much more than I do. I admire their strength and they yearning to learn. I came away with new contacts, many resources, and a new resolve to join the effort of advocacy for women in pain.
What kind of chronic pain do I have? It's a long list. I've never written about all my conditions before because i didn't want people to know. That has changed. I have congenital hip dysplasia (dislocation) in my left hip; rotator cuff problems in my right shoulder; recovering from a dislocated left shoulder; ligament damage in my right hand; trochanteric bursitis and ilotibial band syndrome in my right hip; osteoarthritis in my hand, shoulders, back, and hip; and degenerative disk disease along with a bulging disk. Most of these conditions are from an injury I sustained in February 2006. I never dreamed I'd still be dealing with these conditions and with the horrible pain.
I'm actually proud of the way I've handled my pain. I try to lead a somewhat normal life despite the fact that I'm always in pain. The only give-away is that I limp. However, most people do not know when I'm in pain because I cover it up pretty well. I don't want any one's pity.
I've never been one to label myself as disabled, but I suppose I am. I have a handicap placard for use when I park. I only use it when I have to park far or when there's lots of hills or steps that I need to avoid. I don't mind walking when it's flat. For the most part I leave the handicap space for someone else. Besides I don't particularly like the stares I get when I get out of my car when I park in a handicap space. I know they're trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I guess they have it figured out once they see me limp.
Many times I've been made to feel that the pain is in my head because I didn't "look" like I'm in pain. The doctors have yet to prescribe a pain medication for me that won't knock me out or make me feel with I'm "under the influence." I keep telling them that I have to work and don't want to feel impaired when I'm driving. Therefore, I don't take anything hard during the week. But I find myself looking forward to the weekends so I can take Vicodin, which will let me sleep at least and will relieve the pain. It doesn't matter when I wake up. I'm in no rush. All I take during the week is Tylenol, which does not help me.
This is the first time I've been around women who "feel" the pain I do and struggle with a lot of the same issues I do. I learned about organizations where I can go to for support (such as the American Chronic Pain Association and the American Pain Foundation). I learned a lot about the pharmacology and traditional approaches to pain management. The organizer of the conference, Cynthia Toussaint, is a true inspiration. Her organization, For Grace, will help many women.
I feel validated because most the women were made to feel it was all in their heads, just like I was. I also learned that women feel pain differently than men and that clinicians listen to men and treat their pain more effectively than they do women. We're told that it's stress and we're often prescribed antidepressants rather than an effective pain medication. We often leave the doctor's office without a plan.
I've yet to absorb everything I heard at the conference. They gave so many handouts, books, plus all the information in the binder we received. Most of these women suffer (I don't like using this word, but I can't think of a better way to describe it) much more than I do. I admire their strength and they yearning to learn. I came away with new contacts, many resources, and a new resolve to join the effort of advocacy for women in pain.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Raising Your Rates
I just finished a huge proofreading job for a legal publisher. I returned the chapters in batches. My client praised my work, emphasizing my attention to detail and my thoroughness. Now why don't I have the nerve to ask for a raise or to inform them what my new rates are? I know I need to work on being more assertive and proactive in my freelance business.
Here's how it should be done:
About every year or so, you should evaluate your rates to see if they are keeping up with the industry standard.
The Editorial Freelancers Association has posted "Common Rates for Editorial Services," which includes type of work (such as copyediting, proofreading, indexing, research, and writing, among others). A range of fees is included based on a certain pace of work. For example, you can charge $20-35 per hour for proofreading 3-10 manuscript pages per hour.
Taking the proofreading example a little further, there are different types of proofreading--on hardcopy (proofreading page proofs against a manuscript) or electronically (using Adobe Professional). There are different levels of text (basic or technical). Your rate can vary from client to client. The assignment can range from proofreading a young adult novel to a physics textbook with equations. Your rates would be different for these two types of jobs.
As you get new clients, you would give them your new rate. They don't have to know that it's a new rate. For your existing clients, at some point (beginning of new year perhaps) you would inform them of your new rate (like when you accept a new assignment). You can tell them what you've done for them on previous jobs that they've appreciated. You can always negotiate. Now I just need the guts to ask!
As I was writing this draft, I got some good news! My biggest client (the legal publisher) just contacted me and stated they're giving me a raise! They said that I was "long overdue" and that it would be an "incentive" to take on additional assignments. Of course things don't usually happen this way. I was lucky with this client. How do you increase your rates?
Here's how it should be done:
About every year or so, you should evaluate your rates to see if they are keeping up with the industry standard.
The Editorial Freelancers Association has posted "Common Rates for Editorial Services," which includes type of work (such as copyediting, proofreading, indexing, research, and writing, among others). A range of fees is included based on a certain pace of work. For example, you can charge $20-35 per hour for proofreading 3-10 manuscript pages per hour.
Taking the proofreading example a little further, there are different types of proofreading--on hardcopy (proofreading page proofs against a manuscript) or electronically (using Adobe Professional). There are different levels of text (basic or technical). Your rate can vary from client to client. The assignment can range from proofreading a young adult novel to a physics textbook with equations. Your rates would be different for these two types of jobs.
As you get new clients, you would give them your new rate. They don't have to know that it's a new rate. For your existing clients, at some point (beginning of new year perhaps) you would inform them of your new rate (like when you accept a new assignment). You can tell them what you've done for them on previous jobs that they've appreciated. You can always negotiate. Now I just need the guts to ask!
As I was writing this draft, I got some good news! My biggest client (the legal publisher) just contacted me and stated they're giving me a raise! They said that I was "long overdue" and that it would be an "incentive" to take on additional assignments. Of course things don't usually happen this way. I was lucky with this client. How do you increase your rates?
Sunday, February 03, 2008
A New Year, A New Start
I can't believe almost 9 months have passed since I last posted an entry. And here it is already February. A lot has happened, and yet nothing has really changed. But I'm different.
You see, since my younger sister died last January, I never thought I'd get over her loss. But I'm finding out that things are getting easier and that I can be happy once again. It's so different without her, but I make the best of it.
My beloved dog Toby died in June. He was 14. It was so painful to have to put him to sleep. I wanted him to die on his own, but he didn't. We were so close and he was a wonderful companion. I knew I had to let him go because he was suffering so much.
I was lost without Toby. Now I had two voids in my life. I decided to fill that hole. I got another dog. I adopted Desi in July. He's quite the character. He's turned my life upside down and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's brought laughter back into my life.
I've made personal, financial, and business goals for 2008. I'm doing ok so far. I'm on track. How about you?
I'll try to post on a more regular basis. I'll do a personal post, such as this one, and one business-related. Let's see how I do.
You see, since my younger sister died last January, I never thought I'd get over her loss. But I'm finding out that things are getting easier and that I can be happy once again. It's so different without her, but I make the best of it.
My beloved dog Toby died in June. He was 14. It was so painful to have to put him to sleep. I wanted him to die on his own, but he didn't. We were so close and he was a wonderful companion. I knew I had to let him go because he was suffering so much.
I was lost without Toby. Now I had two voids in my life. I decided to fill that hole. I got another dog. I adopted Desi in July. He's quite the character. He's turned my life upside down and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's brought laughter back into my life.
I've made personal, financial, and business goals for 2008. I'm doing ok so far. I'm on track. How about you?
I'll try to post on a more regular basis. I'll do a personal post, such as this one, and one business-related. Let's see how I do.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Networking
Do you take time to network? I try to, even though I'm an introvert. Here are several ways to network without going too much out of your comfort zone:
- E-mail your contacts or clients and let them know you're available for freelance assignments
- Talk to your friend or neighbors about what you do. Maybe they know of someone who needs your services.
- Join a professional organization related to your career or expertise
- Join a professional network group such as www.LinkedIn.com. You can expand your list of contacts by someone including you in their network.
- Write in your own blog and find people to read and add comments to your blog. Add your blog address to your signature line in all your e-mails.
- Exchange business cards whenever possible, especially at seminars, workshops, or conferences
- Go to www.google.com and type your area of interest to find an organization or others with a similar interest
- Join an online discussion group. Try http://www.yahoogroups.com.
- Tell your contacts or clients to recommend your services to others.
Now all I need to do is follow my own advice! Actually, I've done a few of these. What about you?
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Friends
What do your friends mean to you? Do you have different types of friends (like old school chums, coworkers, ex-coworkers, family friends)? Do you ever introduce your friends to one another? Would they get along, if all they have in common is you?
There are friends who are good listeners and those who are great for a good time and aren't interested in hearing about your troubles.
I have different sets of friends. Most are very supportive and are understanding while I'm grieving for my sister, but I can tell that others don't want to talk about how I'm coping with my sister's death.
Friends are there for you when you want to forget about your troubles or want to hear about how their life is going. I often find that my troubles are small compared to the hardships of others--like suffering with terminal cancer.
Of all the friends I have, no one can compare to the friendship I had with my younger sister. when we were growing up, I was always trying to get rid of her, but as we grew up, we became closer than ever. We told each other everything--good and bad news, gossip, current events, opinions, wishes, dreams, fears--and listened to each other when the other one had to vent.
None of my friends even come close to the friendship I had with my sister. Will I ever find a friend like her? I doubt it.
There are friends who are good listeners and those who are great for a good time and aren't interested in hearing about your troubles.
I have different sets of friends. Most are very supportive and are understanding while I'm grieving for my sister, but I can tell that others don't want to talk about how I'm coping with my sister's death.
Friends are there for you when you want to forget about your troubles or want to hear about how their life is going. I often find that my troubles are small compared to the hardships of others--like suffering with terminal cancer.
Of all the friends I have, no one can compare to the friendship I had with my younger sister. when we were growing up, I was always trying to get rid of her, but as we grew up, we became closer than ever. We told each other everything--good and bad news, gossip, current events, opinions, wishes, dreams, fears--and listened to each other when the other one had to vent.
None of my friends even come close to the friendship I had with my sister. Will I ever find a friend like her? I doubt it.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Goals
Do you ever find yourself setting goals and then get frustrated because you realized you hadn't met any of them? Join the club.
I write personal and business goals each year. Some I meet and some I don't. Those that I don't meet, I realize too late that they were much too broad to be achievable. I now know that goals should be broken down into small, achievable steps. For example, one of my business goals is to have my own Web site, but it's not that easy. So I break it down into smaller steps:
I write personal and business goals each year. Some I meet and some I don't. Those that I don't meet, I realize too late that they were much too broad to be achievable. I now know that goals should be broken down into small, achievable steps. For example, one of my business goals is to have my own Web site, but it's not that easy. So I break it down into smaller steps:
- Gather information.
- Read the information and decide what's best for me.
- Choose a URL.
- Register my domain name.
- Find a Web designer.
- Meet with the designer (ask if I can do the updates and give the designer ideas on photos or graphics).
- Write the copy.
- Edit and proof the copy.
- Test the site.
What I don't do is assign due dates to these tasks. It then becomes overwhelming, I would fall behind, and I'll end up giving up. That's not what I want. I'm so busy with working full time, handling my freelance editorial business (working on jobs, finding new clients), writing short stories, plus all the other things that pile up on my desk.
I make weekly To Do lists (which include both personal and business tasks), monthly business To Dos, and it really get discouraging when I don't achieve some of the tasks. Maybe I shouldn't have too much on my lists?
How do you keep to your goals?
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Grief
The death of a loved one can hit suddenly. In my case, it was my younger sister. She died of cardiac arrest on January 18 at the age of 49. She leaves a husband and two daughters (14 and 17).
There's no going back. There's no time to say good-bye. How do I go on without her? She was my best friend. Yet when were were growing up, I was always trying to get rid of her. But over the years as we grew up, we became very close and would tell each other everything.
We were so different, didn't always think alike, and approached things differently (she was spontaneous and I'm a planner and analytical), but yet we were close. Perhaps it was because we came from a dysfunctional family. It made us even closer. We came to rely on each other for support and advice and respected each other's opinions, even if we didn't always agree. We vented whenever we wanted to talk though a problem, listened when we needed to, and gave advice when it was asked for.
My life will be so different now. I feel so lost without her. I keep wanting to pick up the phone to talk to her. So, instead, I talk within myself to talk to her, but it's not the same. Where's the feedback? I can still hear her voice and I miss it. Who will I tell my tidbits to? Who will I talk to about my job, my doctor appointments, and all the things that are important to me? I know I can talk to my friends, but it's not the same as talking to my sister. No one can take her place.
The pain of her loss is almost physical. I cry all the time. Every remembrance (good or bad) brings tears to my eyes. I replay some some conversations in my mind and wish they would have turned out differently.
When I feel happy about something, I almost feel guilty. But I know that life does go on. When I feel sorry for myself, I think of her husband without a wife and her two daughters without a mom.
My life will be forever changed. Perhaps I'll make some changes that are good for me. I have to find a way to go on without her. I never dreamed it would turn out this way. I gave the eulogy at her service and I still didn't do her justice. I keep remembering other things I could have said. But it touched people and they got to see what a courageous woman she was. I will always honor her in my life.
There's no going back. There's no time to say good-bye. How do I go on without her? She was my best friend. Yet when were were growing up, I was always trying to get rid of her. But over the years as we grew up, we became very close and would tell each other everything.
We were so different, didn't always think alike, and approached things differently (she was spontaneous and I'm a planner and analytical), but yet we were close. Perhaps it was because we came from a dysfunctional family. It made us even closer. We came to rely on each other for support and advice and respected each other's opinions, even if we didn't always agree. We vented whenever we wanted to talk though a problem, listened when we needed to, and gave advice when it was asked for.
My life will be so different now. I feel so lost without her. I keep wanting to pick up the phone to talk to her. So, instead, I talk within myself to talk to her, but it's not the same. Where's the feedback? I can still hear her voice and I miss it. Who will I tell my tidbits to? Who will I talk to about my job, my doctor appointments, and all the things that are important to me? I know I can talk to my friends, but it's not the same as talking to my sister. No one can take her place.
The pain of her loss is almost physical. I cry all the time. Every remembrance (good or bad) brings tears to my eyes. I replay some some conversations in my mind and wish they would have turned out differently.
When I feel happy about something, I almost feel guilty. But I know that life does go on. When I feel sorry for myself, I think of her husband without a wife and her two daughters without a mom.
My life will be forever changed. Perhaps I'll make some changes that are good for me. I have to find a way to go on without her. I never dreamed it would turn out this way. I gave the eulogy at her service and I still didn't do her justice. I keep remembering other things I could have said. But it touched people and they got to see what a courageous woman she was. I will always honor her in my life.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Overwhelmed
Do you ever feel that you have too much on your plate and you know what needs to get done but so many things (obstacles) get in the way?
That's where I am now. How do I snap out of it? I'm so busy with freelance work and I have impending deadlines but so many other things take my time. So I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with anything!
What I've tried to do is remove some of the things that are creating obstacles for me. Other stressors. But it takes time to deal with those stressors. You just can't push them out of your mind, but sometimes you have to even if for a short while.
When I think of all the things I've got on my plate now, I feel so overwhelmed. So what I'm trying to do is block things out and concentrate on what needs to be done at that moment. In any "spare" time, then I try to deal with stressors and hopefully make decisions and get them out of my life once and for all.
How do others deal with feeling overwhelmed? I already talk with a counselor to try to sort things out and I write to do lists but that's overwhelming in itself to look at the growing list. Any advice?
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Appreciation
I was reading a book yesterday regarding stress and it stated that instead of dwelling on your stressors, you should take the time to appreciate the good in your life. Oftentimes people, including me, do not do this.
Whereas I have my share of stressors, I do have much in my life that I do appreciate. I have my pets (2 dogs and a cat) who give me unconditional love. I could not function without them. They make me so happy, especially when I'm down. They make me laugh so much that soon I forget (or put it aside) what I was worried about. Just cuddling them makes me feel good.
I appreciate that I have a house to live in with my pets. At least I have someplace to live; many people do not. At least I have a job, where many people do not. Even though I'm not happy at the job and am currently on medical leave (a workers' comp injury), I appreciate that I'm employed.
I appreciate my friends immensely. I don't know what I would do without them to listen and support me. I also appreciate my two sisters; they seem to be the only immediate family I have. Even though we're all so different, we do love each other and work very hard on our fragile relationships.
Even though I have several medical conditions and a little more because of the injuries I sustained in February, I know that I will eventually recover from these injuries. Many people have very serious medical conditions or are paralyzed; I do not. I need to take the time to appreciate the health that I do have. I think that if I eliminate many stressors, I will eventually feel better and perhaps recover quicker and be relieved from some of my ailments.
I appreciate that I have my sight and can sit outide with my pets to read and enjoy the nice weather. I love flowers, plants, trees, grass, blue sky, puffy white clouds, and birds. I get to experience that each day. I do take the time to "smell the roses."
I just need to take the time to appreciate more in my life rather than dwelling on all the negative things. I need to remind myself of this and practice it several times a day.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Procrastination
How do you get past procrastination? I keep finding others things to do instead of what I'm supposed to be doing. I've read that procrastination is similar to perfectionism. You want to do the task perfectly so you keep delaying it and in turns nothing gets done.
I want to write a short story and submit it to a contest. How hard can that be? Very difficult. I keep searching for ideas to write on and then don't want to dwell on some of those subjects that may be painful, so I end up doing something else. I can visualize the story unfolding in my head, but when it comes to writing, nothing happens. Is it writers block? I don't think so.
I think a big part of it is that I don't want to fail. Since I'm an editor, I worry a lot about mechanics of the story instead of just writing it down. I know that's true and know what I should do, but I don't.
I work on some ideas, but don't get past the idea stage. I need to expand and develop a story. Any story. It can be funny or dramatic. It's on the tip of my tongue but it just doesn't flow to actual words.
So instead I do something else. How can I break that spell?
I want to write a short story and submit it to a contest. How hard can that be? Very difficult. I keep searching for ideas to write on and then don't want to dwell on some of those subjects that may be painful, so I end up doing something else. I can visualize the story unfolding in my head, but when it comes to writing, nothing happens. Is it writers block? I don't think so.
I think a big part of it is that I don't want to fail. Since I'm an editor, I worry a lot about mechanics of the story instead of just writing it down. I know that's true and know what I should do, but I don't.
I work on some ideas, but don't get past the idea stage. I need to expand and develop a story. Any story. It can be funny or dramatic. It's on the tip of my tongue but it just doesn't flow to actual words.
So instead I do something else. How can I break that spell?
Monday, March 20, 2006
Forgiveness
How do you forgive? What if it's impossible for you to do so? How do you go on with your life?
Forgiveness does not come easily for me. I know it's important to forgive so that you can on with your life, but it's something that I've had difficulty with. I know that I can say to myself that I forgive my mother, but yet I still hold that anger in me. I can't get rid of it. Most of the time I don't think of her at all but every once in a while she creeps in and settles down.
I know that I shouldn't judge, but I find myself doing that with her. I think she's a horrible person with no idea of how much she's hurt me or my siblings (all for different reasons). She hides behind the catholic church and it's so hypocritical of her.
She has no compassion and is incapable of showing love. It's really pathetic and any attempts from my sisters in trying to reach her have failed. She is a mystery. She will not talk about what trauma occurred to her when she was a child. She doesn't realize that that incident(s) made her what she is today. It's a secret that will die with her.
Forgiveness does not come easily for me. I know it's important to forgive so that you can on with your life, but it's something that I've had difficulty with. I know that I can say to myself that I forgive my mother, but yet I still hold that anger in me. I can't get rid of it. Most of the time I don't think of her at all but every once in a while she creeps in and settles down.
I know that I shouldn't judge, but I find myself doing that with her. I think she's a horrible person with no idea of how much she's hurt me or my siblings (all for different reasons). She hides behind the catholic church and it's so hypocritical of her.
She has no compassion and is incapable of showing love. It's really pathetic and any attempts from my sisters in trying to reach her have failed. She is a mystery. She will not talk about what trauma occurred to her when she was a child. She doesn't realize that that incident(s) made her what she is today. It's a secret that will die with her.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
What Does the Future Hold?
I sure do wish I could predict the future. Things would be so much easier, not only for me for for everyone. It's so difficult to know what the right thing to do is because you're afraid of making a mistake.
I have so many decisions to make and there's pros and cons to them. I need to weigh things and figure out what is best for me. The problem is that I'm afraid to make mistakes, because I'm the one who has to fix them or I feel the repercussions for many years. So sometimes I do nothing. I know that's not wise, but it's safer.
How do I get the courage to start to take chances in my life? I have a lot at stake and feel like I'm wasting precious time if I make a mistake.
I have so many decisions to make and there's pros and cons to them. I need to weigh things and figure out what is best for me. The problem is that I'm afraid to make mistakes, because I'm the one who has to fix them or I feel the repercussions for many years. So sometimes I do nothing. I know that's not wise, but it's safer.
How do I get the courage to start to take chances in my life? I have a lot at stake and feel like I'm wasting precious time if I make a mistake.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Friday
Today is another day. A gloomy one. I'm in a much better mood when it's sunny outside. Oh well, just two days of rain then it'll be nice. But I'm kind of sad today. Today is my cat's birthday, the one who died. I always remember what a great cat Checkers was and how brave he was.
I need to get started writing a short story. My mind is full of ideas, but I have to stick to one.
I need to take advantage of my time. I was injured in a fall in February and have been off work since Feb 14. I'm due to return on March 27th, but that's only if the dr releases my work restrictions.
I'm trying to be as productive as I can. I've been researching lots of Web sites having to do with writing and editing to try to get as much information as I can, plus I started this blog, a new thing for me. It's kind of scary because it's almost an invasion of my privacy. Who knows who's out there!
As an editor (both freelance and full time), I need to try to find some freelance work while I'm home. I've already done one job, despite being in a sling (left shoulder) and a cast (right arm). I'm so happy now that the cast has come off. I also need to finish a Spanish proofreading test and submit that, but right now I'm trying to experiment with this blog. This is fun!!! Later.
I need to get started writing a short story. My mind is full of ideas, but I have to stick to one.
I need to take advantage of my time. I was injured in a fall in February and have been off work since Feb 14. I'm due to return on March 27th, but that's only if the dr releases my work restrictions.
I'm trying to be as productive as I can. I've been researching lots of Web sites having to do with writing and editing to try to get as much information as I can, plus I started this blog, a new thing for me. It's kind of scary because it's almost an invasion of my privacy. Who knows who's out there!
As an editor (both freelance and full time), I need to try to find some freelance work while I'm home. I've already done one job, despite being in a sling (left shoulder) and a cast (right arm). I'm so happy now that the cast has come off. I also need to finish a Spanish proofreading test and submit that, but right now I'm trying to experiment with this blog. This is fun!!! Later.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
What I Am Doing?
Hi!
This is the first time I'm doing this and I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I need to discipline myself to write everything and I think this is a good way to do it.
Where do I start? I need to think about that some more. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more ideas.
This is the first time I'm doing this and I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I need to discipline myself to write everything and I think this is a good way to do it.
Where do I start? I need to think about that some more. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more ideas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)